| What’s winning? Is it making the point you are right? Or, is it making the other guy do what you want him to do? I choose the later – making the other guy do what I want him to do. That is the true win for me. If this is the case with you too then you must learn how to argue, not to fight. |
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Jay Heinrich offers good distinction between fight and argument in his book Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion :
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![clip_image002[4]](http://practicethis.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/clip-image0024.jpg "clip_image002[4]")
Win Customers – Argue, Don’t FightConsulting is all about conflict. Consultant’s goal is to either solve the problems or reveal latent ones. Problems are usually no fun for customers. Problems create tension that often leads to conflict. Consultant is always in epicenter of the conflict. Otherwise why call the consultant in first place? The basic question consultant should ask himself is "What do I want? Do I want to win or do I want to win a customer?". My answer is "Win a customer". To win a customer I follow another pattern presented in the book – virtue, practical wisdom, selflessness. More on the approach read What Aristotle Could Teach You About Consulting Win Managers – Argue, Don’t FightFighting your boss would be a …ehm serious career limiting move. I have done it – take my word for granted, it never works. Worse, it creates the atmosphere that is much less than inspiring (in case you stay with the position and not get fired). What worked for me is arguing. Not always. At least I had a chance to present my take without major emotional losses and avoiding making more enemies. By "arguing" I mean applying the same basic principles of persuasion – virtue, practical wisdom, selflessness. If you hit the case of being saddled with a bad boss I suggest you go over this great article - How to Handle a Bad Boss. What worked especially great is "Don’t Act Immediately" and "Play the Game". Playing the game not only helped me to stay in the game but also persuade in some cases. Good stuff. Win Kids – Argue, Don’t FightKids are stubborn. Kids might sometimes drive you just nuts. They try out the boundaries, they try to take you over it. The natural reaction is "Stop doing it!", "No!", "Don’t!" in other words the natural reaction is fighting them. It is effective and it works but it leaves very bad taste in my mouth and it does not add to the kid’s self esteem. It also misses the great opportunity to teach and learn. What worked for me is arguing. Really. First I let my kids win a little by initially agreeing but then I develop an conversation trying to argue with her. Giving examples from previous experiences or making it up on the go. Hey! Aristotle could teach me a lot about how to be a good parent, eh? Practice This - Get Results
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20 comments ↓
Sheila
One of my early mentors taught me that the goal of any email war is to make your opponent cry. Later I realized the flaw and focused on compelling outcomes. Granted some of the early battles were fun, but now I’m a fan of bridge building over bridge burning. Live and learn.
What I learn with kids (and they teach me a lots of stuff) in terms of persuasion I then try out in “real” life at work
Liara,
Actually i think arguing is a good thing, in some way it ignites mind and thoughtful unusual ideas
J.D.,
Oh, those email wars…. I used to commit that crime too. Not any more. I am exactly guided by that question these days “Alik, what do you want to accomplish”
LisaNewton,
It is good way to persuade - agree to disagree. Agreeing in first place disarms. 100% with you!
Tess,
I hope so. Until then persuasion techniques seem to be very helpful for both parties, eh? 
Will we all witness this one day?
I think I have to be more willing to listen to their idea. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own ego that it’s hard to let go.
Tanks for good words. I am huge fan of a good debate too.
Gennaro,
Yeah, once it gets personal it becomes pure fight and that never leads to goodness.
tom,
That is great mantra, adopted! ;).
Karl,
. Good stuff!
Your comment resonates with me a lot! I feel like I was commenting to myself
Thank you for good words
I have been known as a fighter for too long. I lost too many fights… Not any more. Now I am mastering my arguing skills
Mike,
Thank you.
Getting defensive turned out as one of the most limiting factors in problem solving. I realized it only recently. Better later than never, eh?
We can agreed to disagree but fight doesn’t get anybody anywhere. Great post, the part about the kids is very wise.
Thank you,
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
Thank you.
My kids are my the best and the first customers
Does your husband care to share his wisdom? Does he blog? I’d subscribe!
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